Hate the sin, but love the sinner

it has been 6 months now since grandma has passed. 6 months of pinching ourselves and convincing ourselves that she is no longer with us. Time has passed so fast. Its weird how when she was alive i look wat little time i had with her for granted. Now that she is gone i wished i could have her soft gentle hands comfort me when things aint right or just to hear her voice even just for a split second. Sometime when i am all alone i feel her close to me and i sumtimes imagine hearing her voice but i know that its just my imagination playing games with me. But some parts of me really hope its her. I know it is impossible but going through life i know that nothing is impossible. Grandma made a lot of difference in my life. she was there for me when i had no one to turn too. Now that she has gone i dare to say that i have lost my comfort and refuge. through this all i have learned that life moves on and i know grandma is with us every step of the way. I will forever cherish and love her and i hope to meet her again some day. Grandma where ever you are i miss you..

About two years ago i was living a life of jokes. I was goin through it as if nothing matter. My parents gave me everything i ever needed. The one thing that i lack is love. i know my parents also showed me love but i wanted a love in which i could give all my heart and soul.Some one to whom i could share my deepest thought with or my deepest fears with. Some of you might laugh at me or call me crazy. but believe it or not no matter how tough a gal may look, deep within her she will be lost until she find the one person who would make feel afloat. Well back to my story, every night i would pray that god send me some one who is handsome, rich with the best personality. some one who has a steady career. I know i was asking to much but being 19 and wanting to fall in love i had to ask for the best.. the one who will make me feel complete. One day out of nowhere i fell hard and i mean real hard. He was a regular guy.. he was the guy next door. All the time i was praying i never thought it would be him. He knocked me off my feet. I knew God will answer my prayer cause i have tremendous faith in him but he gave me someone who is totally different then wat i wished for. i’m not saying he’s not good looking or lack personality. In a very strange way good gave me someone i really needed instead of someone i wanted. I guess that’s the way God work. It has been two years now and we have been through thick and thin and yet we still are together. There are times when it was tough but we manage to get through cause we was willing to give and take. We see love through each other eyes. No matter how far apart we are, we will remain together because we love each other All i can say is he is the greatest gift God gave me and every day i am gratefull.

When i was young i always wished i was older. I wanted to be there when my parents shared secrets and when the chased me away for their "Adult talk".(Now you know why my uncle nicknamed me sibuk… thanks uncle boke) I wanted to understand better. I wanted to be the one who is able to make decisions or be the adult. i wanted to learn things that only adults can do.. be able to light a stove without being supervised or watch tv without them forwarding the obscene parts. i wanted to grow up. But that was then… now that i am turning 21 soon… i feel like that time has flown by so fast.. i am freaking out knowing that my teenage hood is over.I’m now an adult. i can make decisions on my own. The scary thing is i don’t want to. Mummy said that she has given me wings for 21 years and through the 21 years she has thought me to fly.. she say now its time for me to fly and make a life of my own. to break from my comfort zone and make decisions… this whole thing freaks me out… What if i make a mistake?? what if i Screw up?? Well  i learn that making mistakes and screwing up is part of life. My parents have given me strong roots ,now its time for me to use what they thought me and be the person that God intend me to be!! i’m still freaked out but i’m more relaxed now cause i know that no matter how old i get or how mature i get.. i always be my daddy’s and mummy’s little gal. i know that when i screw up they will be there for me with scolding of course but the important thing is they wont abandon me. So i guess now i’m looking forward to turn 21 and to live many more years(GOD willing). I have many thing to look forward too.. graduating, a career, marriage, kids  i know that i can plan many things in my life but at the end of the day God makes the decisions. He knows best and so far i have no complains. So thanks to everyone who stood by me this 21 years.. especial papa and mummy, my brothers, my bf, uncles and auntys, cousins and also frens… Thanks a million.. I’m who i am today cause of all of you.

grandma passed away on 24th january 2008.. three months after she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. the ache of loosing a wonderful grandma is still there.. it’s as if someone riped out some part of your heart. the pain and suffering that she went thru really amazes me.. not that i like to see her suffer but the way she accepted the pain so willingly and so patiently make me pause for awhile and think that if she could bear that much pain what else can we human’s do.. from her suffering i realised that we human can do much more than we think we can. once we set our mind to it.. although grandma does knw that she had cancer but yet she fought it till her final breath.. grandma went so peacefully, she was in a coma that night and before the sun rosed that morning she took her last breath. i still feel pain and sorrow but i also feel happy because i know that she is now safe in the arms of the lord.. and i know i’ll see her again on that beautiful shore.. you may ask what new life i have found.. after seeing her goin thru all the pain and suffering and to leave this world so peacefully(grandma’s had a smile on her face after she took her last breath) it really makes me immune to the fear of death.. Death to me now is not the end of a life but the beginning of a new life with the almighty father where you’ll meet all the one’s you have loved again and this time for eternity. i have found new life in the sense that i life today for today and i live it to the fullness with the knowledge that tomorrow will always be a better day.

i’m so sick and tired of living a life tat is full of hypocrites.. everyone seems to project things that they are not.. is it so hard just to be yourself??? but then again everyone on this earth has done this.. people somehow shadow themselves with a mask so that no one can look thru them.. but is this a must for you to be a hypocrite to your friends or your relative???? i guess we would have to leave some questions unanswered cause i seriously 100% don understand why…

lately.. my grandma was admitted in the hospital due to some complication… this experience was sad and so touching… my maternal grandma has 4 children.. the eldest is a gal.. my mum.. second is also a gal and the last two boys.. it weird how evrytime there’s a problem in hand or in the family.. be it a miss understanding or money problem or with who does the most in the family or who doesn’t do nothing arguements.. everything seem to fall apart.. as if the family foundation is not there.. as if everything is to brittle.. waiting to be broken..evryone blames evryone… it also make me sick how during festivals how everyone gathers together for the sake of getting together.. how even in familys cliques are form.. it sicken me how one has to take the blame because the other is a sweet talker… how sick it was to watch them being nice to you for one minutes.. and before the next minute they are talking behind your back.. as you can see.. my maternal family members relationship is just like a rose with it’s petals falling off.. no one seem to care abt each other in times when we need them.. i’m not talking abt all of course.. there are some who are kind and gentle person.. who do cares.. but the relationship is so fragile that it only takes a few words to break it.. but the scenario which has been goin on for awhile changed yesterday when grandma was admitted… the moment they heard abt my grandma.. all of them came from far and near.. some as far as port dickson.. and all of them for that moment share the same concern, the same love and the same worry…being present there changed everything i felt or the hatred i had for them… it somehow disappeared..  its like a dead rose transforming it self to be a beautiful rose.. how everyone stopped watever they were doin cause for that moment nothing was more important than being with the one they love… i thank god for being able to be there cause now i know that no matter how far me and my brother go in life.. we will always be together because we all love our family.. it’s strange how in sorrow and in worrys and in pain we find the one thing that matter most that is FAMIlY.. grandma is still in the hospital.. i hope she recovers well.. but i know deep in her heart she is proud becaue she has raised 4 wonderful children who cares and love no matter wat.. and one day i want to follow their foot steps and treat my parents the same…